“Just Stay Calm”: Why That Advice Isn’t Enough for Young Athletes
- Neil Wattier
- Apr 20
- 4 min read
By: Neil Wattier, Mental Coach for Athletes, Parents, and Coaches
I recently overheard a well-meaning conversation between a golf coach and a parent of a young golfer. The topic was familiar: managing emotions after a bad shot. The message was simple—stay calm, don’t get frustrated, move on. But while their intent was right, the conversation lacked depth. It’s a common oversight in youth sports: we tell athletes what to do mentally, but we rarely teach them how to do it.
This is a critical issue. We recognize the importance of emotional regulation—staying composed, resilient, and focused—but we don’t equip young athletes with the tools to get there. And that’s not because they’re unwilling or incapable. It’s because we, as adults, often underestimate just how hard it is to manage emotions—especially in competition.
Let’s get one thing straight: emotional regulation isn’t about ignoring emotions or pretending they don’t exist. It’s about recognizing, understanding, and responding to emotions in a healthy, productive way. That’s a tall order, especially for kids.
“It isn’t that we don’t feel anger, fear, or frustration—it’s what we do with those feelings that matters.”
— Aristotle (paraphrased)
The Body Keeps Score—Especially in Sports
When a young golfer hits a poor shot—maybe they chunk a chip, slice a drive, or lip out an easy putt—the frustration they feel isn’t just mental. It’s physical. Emotions like anger, fear, embarrassment, and anxiety send a surge of adrenaline through the body. Heart rate spikes. Breathing changes. Muscles tighten. Shoulders tense. Hands shake. The same body that needs to be loose, fluid, and precise now feels rigid and explosive.
These physical responses make it harder to think clearly and execute skillfully—leading to more mistakes and deeper frustration. It’s a downward spiral. Telling a young athlete to "just calm down" in the moment is like handing someone a parachute after they've hit the ground. What they really need is training that starts before the drop.
Emotional Regulation Is the Outcome—Not the Skill Itself
In reality, emotional regulation is not the skill itself, but rather the outcome of applying specific skills effectively. To regulate emotions, athletes must first develop self-awareness and then practice tools like breath control, reframing, and mental resets. Just like physical skills, these can be taught, practiced, and strengthened over time—leading to more consistent emotional regulation in high-pressure moments.
So what can coaches and parents do to help?
Name the Emotion. Don’t Shame the Emotion.
Step one in emotional regulation is awareness. If a child can’t name what they’re feeling, they can’t manage it. After a tough moment, instead of jumping straight to advice or correction, ask:
“What are you feeling right now?”
“Where do you feel that in your body?”
“What does that feeling make you want to do?”
You’re helping them pause and process, not suppress. This creates space between emotion and reaction—a critical window for choice and growth.
Normalize Emotional Responses
Let your athletes know it’s okay to feel frustrated, nervous, or upset. Emotions aren’t the enemy—uncontrolled reactions are. When kids feel safe to experience emotions without judgment, they’re more likely to learn from them.
Say things like:
“Of course you’re frustrated—you care.”
“It’s normal to feel nervous. That means you want to do well.”
“Anger isn’t bad. It’s what you do with it that matters.”
Teach Grounding Techniques
Once kids can name and accept emotions, teach them what to do with them. Here are three simple tools:
4-7-8 Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale through pursed lips for 8 (or more--practice extending the exhale). Repeat. This calms the nervous system and helps reset focus.
Physical Reset Routine: Something simple and repeatable—like wiping hands on pants, taking a practice swing, stepping off the ball. This becomes a mental “reset button.”
Power Statements: Teach athletes short, confident phrases to guide their thoughts. For example: “Next shot,” “I’m in control,” “Breathe and believe.”
Create Practice Pressure
Regulation skills need reps—just like swing mechanics or conditioning drills. Create moments of pressure in practice, then coach athletes through the emotional response. Miss a short putt? Let’s pause, breathe, and reset. Double fault in tennis? Name the emotion, breathe, repeat your power statement, and serve again.
Don’t save emotional coaching for game day. Integrate it into everyday training.
Model It Yourself
Parents and coaches are the emotional tone-setters. Kids are watching how you respond to frustration, mistakes, and poor outcomes. If you slam a club, roll your eyes, or criticize loudly, they’ll mirror that behavior. If you stay composed, breathe, and focus on the process—not the outcome—you’ll help them do the same.
Ask yourself:
How do I handle frustration?
What messages am I sending when things go wrong?
Am I reinforcing composure, or unintentionally modeling chaos?
Celebrate the Reset, Not Just the Result
Praise moments of mental strength—not just good outcomes. If a young golfer takes a breath, resets, and plays the next shot with poise, that’s a win. Highlight it. Celebrate it. These are the moments when we build real confidence and long-term resilience.
Say:
“I saw you take a breath and reset—awesome job.”
“That was a tough break, but you handled it like a pro.”
“You didn’t let one shot ruin the next—great mental game.”
Subscribe to the AMPT Mental Performance Newsletter
The AMPT Mental Performance Newsletter delivers content directly to your email inbox. It's filled with valuable information and resources to help you reach your full potential through the power of mental performance.
When we say, “just stay calm,” we oversimplify something that’s incredibly complex—especially for young athletes still learning how to handle pressure, disappointment, and self-doubt.
Instead, let’s shift from telling to teaching.
Teach awareness. Teach tools. Teach habits. And most importantly, model the kind of emotional regulation we hope to see in them. Because the calm, composed athlete doesn’t just show up on game day. They’re built—one breath, one reset, one rep at a time.
Let’s help them get there.
Powerful individualized coaching addresses many complex performance challenges.
Every athlete has specific performance needs and goals.
Carefully tailored training plans guide each athlete to their desired results.
Stop playing games and train to become a champion!
Schedule your free 30-minute consultation call today!
Comments